where have you been??

first of all the question was actually for me.. why? in this few weeks i've been away from writing anything because i'm afraid that i might post something that i shouldn't say and tell here..

complications in my life currently was like a massacre..

i don't know.. okay.. no!.. it's a bullshit if i said that i don't know.. i know..

i'm broken hearted.. i'm depressed.. i'm in tense.. i'm in full of anger..

still it was hidden under..

why is it hard to trust a person that we used to trust.. and am i too naive in letting people in.. its very frustrating.. come and go just like that.. happens in one night.. do you ever felt very.. i don't know how to portray such bid hates and disappointment in my heart right now..

let put one situation..

you met with some one, and you start to like him/her.. yadiyadiyada.. back and forth.. back and forth.. he/she ask you to meet.. you guys meet and then start to express feelings.. but in the end you guys were left on a dungeon to rot.. its like you have been left astray on the street..

well what ever.. or maybe the example was way out of the road.. but still.. then when you trying to adapt yourself to something.. something did happen for me and i've been restrained on such matters.. well i don't even liked it..

nonetheless for the posers, stop pushing your lucks.. why.. because it gonna get worst.. i try to be nice to people and grow to be a new leaf with good manners and no verbal abused.. i'm surely in confidence that i has lessen my cursing and what not.. but still.. people do it.. 

i'm sick of you guys who defying me..

one person says to me that be like a fish. why?? to it surrounding in ocean it is salty but still the fish was not salty cuz of surrounding.. means that.. trying to ignore the surrounding was a bliss and make you stronger..

but i'm stilll............

since things that people says in my whole life is just something that i don't even bother to know and to take it personally or seriously so i let it passed..


but lately i've been pulled down to the peak of patient and sanity..


in our life, its a yes if we had done something neither good nor bad and as we know it came with a consequences.. with our decision and mere thin chance in hoping it would be a good ending sometimes can be just a dream.. from that chance try on live and start a new day... we must.. be strong and endure it..


however,


this time i can't do it.. i don't know why.. i've done everything i've could.. some of the mistakes and problem we need to think either it was from us or others or even third-party.. being irrational and typical thinking like most of the human being would have done in settling their problems will end up ugly..


right now.. let us be strong and cleanse all storm clouds little by little.. it will still be there.. but that is the least effort we can do...


THINK WHETHER THE PROBLEM STARTS OURSELF OR OTHERS AND BE PROFESSIONAL..


STAND UP TALL AND CONFRONT IT!!..


NOTHING CAN PERSUADE YOUR EAGERNESS BETTER THAN YOUR COURAGE!!

is it a must???...

i have lots of topic to post actually but i forgot what is actually the relation with all of the things.. hmmm...

lying for liars

can money buy everything

desperation??

i can't came into conclusion.. many things is lingering in my heads currently.. i hope i can say something that i can't say here.. and i'm also in dilemma.. am i doing something that is very wrong or am i not that .. enough.. its hard to clarify and defy what is actually happening.. because at certain point life is just like a drama when you have to act away from something that you are not.. trying to put more ostentatious act so that its all away..

from the actual reason its hard to convey..

ok.. let say.. i'm sure we would have wanted something so bad in your life until some point you might do anything to get it.. like a child that would want barbie doll when xdapat teghiak mcm oghang xcukop napaih sampai anak tekak boleh tekeluaq menari-nari depan muka.. mcm tu la description dy..

so back to the question.. kan ble kte dah dapat... when the time you posses that thing you liked and wanted dearly you were like wanna-die-together with that thing.. when you already got a person that you want and the person is everything in your life sampai korang akan sanggup lepaskan benda lain yg dulunya amat penting hanya kerana dia but in the end the person isn't feeling anything towards you even the fate that you guys met and getting close to each other is just a 'game'.. nothing... nada.. nai.. maen angin j... huuffff!!!!!..... or there is nothing else can do between you guys.. at that time you will feel like the pressure is suffocating you and mula nk SENTAP BK dgn keadaan sekeliling.. also at that particular time you will think all the bad thing.. please don't get me wrong from the actual reality.. because this things is actually really bit deal in life.. 

but you are just not that strong enough to 'left that memory in dream so that you can dream it to be great' and that can be something that is so irony..

we will start questioning.. why he/she left after all the journey.. why he/she do this to me.. etc etc... well that is when we are doing the hard work on ourself.. but try to think.. yes it might have many possibilities that maybe HE want you to see and to stop what ever things that you are doing..

never mind... if we were playing in the game that had been created by he/she.. and game we'll give them... try to put on little wits.. but if we know that is some part the problems emerged came from yourself, backing off and start a new life is a better thing cz nowadays opportunity is everywhere...

leave on the old one and search new hope but don't put high expectations... be aware and beware.. but before we do such thing, prepare for the consequence and get to know who started and do wrong first.. think of broad things don't just see that you have done good and nice all the time because sometimes we can't see or realize what have we done...

i urged.. left that memoirs to rot!!... start new one...

goodbye 2010..

Well here’s the end of 2010.. The most.. Okay seriously I don’t know how to classify or tag this year as what.. Because many shit stuff happen than beautiful ones..

Lets start from the beginning..

I started this year in genting highland kota kemaksiatan as a barista in Coffee Bean.. I walk in as a normal handsome guy for an interview.. well its not an interview actually because fify had told ‘The Boss’ earlier that his friend is on the way from KL.. I stayed in KL for a week and I celebrate Christmas for the first time there.. haha.. I am so busted.. I still remember on my way to genting I was very excited and reluctant.. despite everything that is not important actually… hahah.. now-now, I work in the morning actually on that day but I had to split my shift, so I came back at midnight and yes, I celebrate New Year as a barista.. yang orang lain seronok dok bercium depan aq.. =.=”

I ‘learn’ things there.. I had my first ear piercing on the left ear.. I went to club..(which is I’ve done it before) and something that I shouldn’t mention here.. I am very happy there its like a world with no other there.. no parent.. no ‘cops’.. no ‘jais’.. its so western there.. but they will do a so-called ‘spotcheck’ from time to time apparently it took ages when they want to do that.. there is so many things happen when I’m in genting.. like:

Its freaking cold there but I’ll get used to it:

- Learning new environment in working

- Knowing people with ‘faces’ better

- Learn how to respect people

- Learn how to be a shitty to people

- Having a crushed on the same person which the other 6 person had already set eyes for that person

- Crying for something that is really not worth of shedding tears..

- Having a brother that is know I haven’t contact for a long-long time

- And Et cetera

I mean seriously many things I have done from white2black.. hahah… with fify and my other bff we’ve done many thing and we quarrel like a bitch… haha… and then me and fify went back to perak to claimed our SPM’s result which I was so scareed about that.. we planned for the leave for about 5 minutes in which we were in morning shift on the next day.. we always done that together I mean a last minute plan.. hahah.. so we went to KL from genting were we took the last bus at 8.30 and arrived at pekeliling 40 minutes later.. we take our own way because fify wanted to go with  Danieal to school.. so he took his bus to ipoh were Danieal is and on the next morning I was so inflammed and jealous what is happened to them the night when fify arrived.. I took my bus at 11.30 to taiping and arrived at 4.00 in the morning.. then I stayed in kakak’s place for bed and breakfast(wahhh!!... ala2 hotel plak..)

I couldn’t close my eyes actually on that night because I am so cuak!!.. at last when I arrived there every single eye were sets on my.. and I was like… what!!!.... you guys just haven’t seen me for only 4 month roughly.. or maybe dorg takot sbb rambot dah mmg giller3 and I have and ear pierce.. hahaha… for whom that noticed about it la.. then we went back to genting from kuala kangsar that particular evening around 3 pm straight to genting (I guess) then.. when we reached there, tros masok keje dan balik pukul 7.. haha.. sbb that day is 24 hours day.. haha…

In 10^th of april if I’m not mistaken I went for an interview for Asasi TeSL for uitm in merbok.. at first I was very happy but blurred.. hahah… again!!... a last minute preparation haha… I went back to penang with only 1 attire with my sandals and jeans being paired with jefferson’s checkers sweaters and my stripey rm30 school bag… ahaha…. Sgt precise.. haa!!... and I was in copper blond hair… hahaha… I take my test on Sunday which is an impossible to get there on Saturday because I get the noticed for that interview on Friday.. firstly I sits for my written test… then after the test the invigilators ‘tegor’ me and said:

Invigilator:

You are aware that you need to sits and talk for your interview sessions in formal right

I was like..

Me:

Oh really? Does it affect my marks??

Invigilator:

Efkoz!!..

Luckily my interview session is at 2pm so I have 3 hours to prepare.. so I went home and changed and went back to the interview.. I was the second last person to be interviewed and it’s so anticipating… felt like I want to jump off the building.. there I met ARIF BAHARI.. because he is the last person to be interviewed.. we did chat for awhile before went in for the writing test and he thought that I was companying my sibling to the interviewed.. and because of my attire :

Arif:

Teman adik interview ke?

Me:

Xlah.. saya la yang nak interview.

Arif:

Uisshh!! (mata bulat)

Me:

Knp??

Arif:

Umoq berapa??

Me:

18 la

Arif:

Uisshh!!(mata lg bulat mcm nk terkeluaq).. ingatkan abang-abang umoq 23-24 td!!..

Me:

Knp!!.. aq ni nmpk tuwa sgt ka?? T.T

At 2pm I manage to change my attire and there’s Arif waiting.. and I sat besides him and we talked and talked and talked..

I went back to genting and about a month later I get a confirmation that my applications for that course was successful.. so on May 1^st left genting and went back to perak first then off to penang were I settle everything for Asasi TeSL

And on that particular time I met anwar ramli a person that I don’t want to say anything.. but I want to put here as a memory..

By the way Arif also got the same place as me.. in UiTM Shah Alam.. so we registered for the college and the course..

I had a splendid roommate with:

Izzul Syafiq(my all time ‘secret friend’)

Acap Talib(my classmate and unclassified description on how he is)

Sharifuddin(the pakcik that is so annoying when he laughed.. hahah)

Fathi Azzam(manusia yang takot lipas jugak macam aku.. =.=”)

Irsyaduddin(all-knowing master yg kna dismissed)

The move to the class is were I meet my forever coolest and mighty neverforgetssharealmosteverythingwithtearsandsecrets

PI0201E

Mike, Faliq, Izzat, Acap, Thoriq, Haziq, Dinie, Sara, Azwa, Fara Aisyah, Yong, Yana, Nadia kecik, Aida Adlia, Hilalliya, Rus, Aqida, Fad, Asha, Lee Joe, Saffura, Maryam, Kaka..

This the most likeable and layanable class of all.. haha.. and I that same time I made ‘contact’ with my bloods in by which we are not like we used to be anymore..

Arif, Awal, Azwa, Fara = azwarifarawal

And on that particular time I met amin a person that I don’t want to say anything.. but I want to put here as a memory..

And my life went on like usual not normal with lots of conflict along the way in Asasi TesL for the first 1 month maybe.. then we went for raya holiday for to weeks..

When I went back for the last part of my semester everything had changed.. arif is already in relation with azwa 2 weeks before we went back for raya break.. I wish I could tell and put all the story here but it is so beautiful rather than I myself could not stand the bliss of it..

After that we sits for our final examinations and when for the semester break.. it’s a normal 2 month break for me.. meanwhile I hooked up with someone in that break which some of the teslians already thought that we were a ‘thing’ before… ahha..

On the 15 of October, 2 days before aidiladha I bumped into an accident were me and my mom were involved in a very tragic situation.. both of us broke our left hand which I had told the story in the post

‘ im back!!’

I for the college registration a week late but I had my Medical Certificates with me..

And everything were perfect and I am hoping everything is going to very smooth with minor conflicts but then again the ‘friend’ did came again.. hmmm *deeply sighed* things were misplaced.. people come and go.. sorrow was covered with ‘happiness’..

I was elected for the Director position for TSL092, I’m making new networks, trying to be a person, and etc that I am not willingly to shared here

hmmm

well now I’m on my mid-sem break.. I have another 3 month roughly to complete my Asasi.. part of me is really want to know what will happen and done in the upcoming 3 months.. but the other part is pulling back saying..

‘awal.. are you sure’

And by that I want to lived with my previous inspiration

‘Problems is like a small dot on a large piece of paper and I won’t let it jeopardize my life’

With a new year determination

‘my will is my power’