i sighed deeply

last night was something good and bad to me.

first thing first i will write as clear as possible for you people to understand. the reason i say it here because i want people to share the experience and also idea about what am i thinking. but the real thing that almost everyone having reading what am i saying is my motives. well i don't care much if you did not understand because i had try my best.

back to the story.

i went with my buddies yesterday. hanging out at Starbucks happy hour promotions. there are six of us but the other to went to purchase something. then i sit at a very comfortable fluffy chair and starts opening facebook and twitter just to release my tension and put myself straight. it was good at first half of the outing. then the no-so-good part came when we went for a karaoke session. we sang 24 songs and i paid most of the charges. until it come to one song that i sang. at first i only just want to sing the song because i really like that song. but until the middle part of the song it broke me apart and tear me down. i went into an emotional breakdown.

the thing is i went out with my crush in groupies of course. she ask me if i'm okay. and i told him what bothers me. later that night after we barely make it into the campus. i bbm-ed her saying that i really had a great night blablabla then all of a sudden i realize that we had gone into a really deep conversation. she asked me almost everything about me. also she always keep on mentioning that she's sick with guys that always being sweet and nice at first and such an asshole later on. i explained myself and give a view on the matter i can't help to agree with what she said about man because i know how man functions it almost typically the same. but in that typical group 3 out of 10 is the perfect guy. she just need to not to jump into conclusion very fast. meanwhile i to explain a little bit about myself to clear her perceptions on me. her perception is not that differ from other people.

"awal, you treat all women the same and there is nothing will be special to your girlfriend"

is it a crime for a guy like me to treat a women nice most of the time? i'm just working with the order of life. women should be treated nicely. i have things when it comes into treating ladies as they should be. am i the guy that badly mistreated women? i just can't seems to understand.

is commitment just a myth?

according to headings, well i would say that its getting complicated in my love relation and also my surroundings.

i mean c'mon! i'm not having a good wheel in this matter right now and the world was like mocking me like they were saying

"hey, look at us. we are happily mad in love"

or

"don't you loved it. having a meal with your loved one. it seems so....... connected"

well i don't care or maybe i'm pretending not to care. stop patronizing. it ain't cool at all. am i too involved or i am i just not capabale enough to be in the relation. i go frantic if i see one more couple mocking me saying like what i mentioned before.

for god sake am i getting paranoid. yes i promise myself not to involved in a relationship after HER until i finishes my study. the problem is i ougth to make exception that -not regretting- if i ran into a relation i'm not goint to refuse because i know that if i were to treat a women like i don't know perhaps it would be giving a false alarm to them. whatever it is my initial attention is to finish my study and get enough money than get married. but in intervals it would be nice knowing that someone is by your side.

am i getting to involved in this matter because i'm seeing this as i am taking it seriously. i have another 2 years to finish my studies and jump into the corporate work. but why is it sometimes i felt that i am a 25 years old guy keeping up with his study but don't have any career. i doesn't make sense at all. but i quoted a friend on twitter this morning. he's also having i don't know love matter or some sorts of deep relation but no lovey-dovey thingy.

 

i suggested to him that how about he plays her game while being in tact and dandy at the same times. being in tact as i define it to be very tacky and tactikle. well screw me if i'm giving advice although i'm having a relationship problem too because our case is not the same. i didn't expect he would say something like "i'm an average joe". i was startled to that resolved suddenly a flood of emotions came into me saying what i rather say smart -i think others might have used it before- and making sence. i said to him.

"c'mon bro. Superman don't wear his underwear outside without a reason"

he simply quoted me back by retweeting it and doesn't said anything back. is it a good sign or is it a bad things to said? the coversation stop there none to reply each other and i don't understand so took it as a positive action. what do you guys think?

comment in Malay is alright. just say what do you think perhaps you might have an experience. i'm just being comfortable writing in English.

look, read and know before judging

catchy isn't it. i mean the title

well here's a story i want to share and from now on i'll be posting more for the joy of my readers. i just got back from abroad and this time the experience was the most horrible from all trip that i had ever been. although it was the same place but this time the people put me in lot of patience. 

this is how

it was a great day after a long hard work, me and my sister when for a little shopping spree to pamper ourselves. blablabla to cut the story short is while we were waiting for a cab and literally we were struggling to find one because we need to compete with other passenger until the time were we got a cab and almost asked the driver came a guy out of nowhere step in the cab and shut the door strongly! how rude! i don't mind if i was the one whom got the cab but it was my sister and she's a lady! gosh! its either 2 possibilities; the guy is totally rude OR he's SUPERGAY! but then again gay people also have respects to ladies i mean c'mon! if it was in Malaysia i swear to god i would knock your groin hard!. let alone the story.

and this time is when i when to the airport to fly back home. the beg-dropping-lady is i would say 2 or 3 months pregnant and she was so cranky and perhaps crooked. its hard to tell this story but the conclusion is what i said in my mind is 

" Awal you need to stay calm and relax. you're going to be a father sooner or later"

(while rubbing my chest)

THE END

now this is the matter that i want to share with you people of what i think. i've been sitting alone listening to music as always.

watching people strolling around, sitting and doing their stuff i ponder, what is these people doing throughout their life just to finish off the day. some i can see from their physical is doing business in meeting people and also just look at the laptop screen with only god knew what is he/she is doing.

but as of for me now i'am at the state of thinking what i MUST do. my love live if waaayyyy of the grid. why? well i've been liking, liked and likes. but the thing is the relation is not in order either the person is a relation or in scandalous life. as of for that is was tagged as a player more like a Casanova. no i am not. i bet to differ because these hypothesis given by my friend isn't correct at all..

yes i am a sweet and soft talker. but it doesn't mean i use that specialty to 'trap' those people. i'm not that mean. but the real thing is i am liking a person but this person is in a relation. gosh it hurts when i have to see  status updates saying i miss you and how i love you. it hurts man! and what are we now? for me i'm a guy that waits for dreams to come true so that the person will be mine while hurting myself to the fullest. that person? hmmm.. treatment given is so sweet and made me fall in love even deeper. i think this is my biggest crush ever. i am sure of it. but then again i was told to not put hope on what i want because its only will hurt myself. i said that i'm okay but obviously lying to said those okay thing suffice to make me heart throbbed.

i had respond to the friend request but i ought to feel that this post will be read. but if it will be read then i'll be ready for what question that will be asked.

Praying to God i will not say something stupid. 

what am i gonna do!

well i don't know whether there is still actual people reading my blog. the problem maybe because of me myself. i RARELY make a new entry. so its quite left out to rot! hahaha.

Poland vs Greece yesterday was fun but not that interesting. ok cut to the chase. i actually want to share and also advice you people and also myself. right now i'm going through a rough period in which i was being soooo and veryyy indecisive. it is not good for a person like me to be indecisive because t was not cool at all. adoii. its not because i cannot made up my mind on something but there are boundaries and also thing that i s't want to risk myself like what i did previously.

at this point i'm in the process of liking 2 person at a time. they both were fun and also sweet to me. always there when i feel like shit. the problem right now that A is in Shah Alam and B is in KL. what the hell am gonna do!. for me distance is not a problem since i now live in KL with my sister but the real catch is that A if afraid being cheated and want me -if we were in relationship- to be near, to care and also to feel me. B in other hand is already in a relationship. i like B because of the maturity and openness shown by B. but then again B is in relationship!

A likes me but afraid of commitment. B is in relation but i don't know whether B likes me or not. but i really like B although we just met. i knew and my hunch says that B is different from what i've encounter.


i cannot make out my mind. i feel like crying because of my own stupidity and indecisiveness. right now accompany my ears and my hearing aid is korean love songs. sobbss..